September 18, 2016

I fell off the earth.

To be more precise, I just disappeared from the Internet one day. I try to think back to the day where I stopped going onto Twitter, onto Tumblr, onto WordPress… but I can’t remember. Was it summer? It has to be, since my last post on here was in July of 2013. But to be perfectly honest, I don’t know. I deleted all of my previous tweets because my constant “oh, Twitter, I miss you! I am back” and then nothing for months made me sad.

When I think back to what happened the last 2 1/2 years, I do get really, really sad. So here is why I disappeared for so long: I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years.

He was super controlling and was rather elusive about it. I didn’t recognize the abuse until it started to become physical violence. I am okay, but since the bulk of the abuse was emotional, I am still not 100% okay. My anxiety is off the charts now; I have terrible stomach issues that I think is related back to the emotional abuse. There is a lot of residual things that I can attribute back to the time I spent with him.

I have been away for him for over a year now. I left in August of 2015, spent a month bumming on my friend’s couch, before getting my own apartment and realizing that I could live on my own and support myself. It’s been tough – I still have arguments with him in my head, because I have done something wrong and I can hear his voice. He used to call me “bitch” all the time, I would ask him not to call me that, but he would say, “If only you stopped acting like a bitch.”

Well, I am taking back that word. I am a bitch because bitches get stuff done. I stopped doing everything I enjoyed during the relationship, but I did graduate with my associate’s in paralegal studies and I’m working on my bachelor’s in criminal justice. But it makes me really sad, and really guilty, that I stopped reading and writing.

That being said, I am working on my ninth novel. It’s crazy to me that I have written eight novels; I seriously can’t quite believe it sometimes. I started actually writing (I don’t count the little stories I wrote in the back of my notebook in math classes because they were never completed – they were just paragraphs of potential stories) in December of 2007. I have grown so much since then, and I have experienced a lot more.

I am back for good now. I have been on Twitter for a few weeks now. I actually got a story idea – can’t you tell I am super excited about this ninth novel? I look and feel so much better than I did when I was with him:

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I am down 35 pounds! I am SMILING! My hair is finally back to the length it was before I cut it off in spite of him. Seriously – he loved my hair long, so one day in June last year I went to a hair salon and asked them to cut off two feet of hair.

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(I almost didn’t want to post this picture because you can see how sad I am.)

But I am back. I am back for good. I am currently reading THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE by Heidi Heilig and I love it so far. I am in my second semester of my bachelor degree and even though I despise every moment of Statistics, I do enjoy the challenges it brings. I’m hoping to go to law school in 2018. And also, I hope to continue writing stories.

an update here and there and everywhere

I’ve had a pretty fantastic summer. I spent most of my time writing, which I can do because I’m childless at the moment.😉 In July, I finished the first draft of Code Red, and now I’m busy rewriting the beginning. I’m super stoked about it, and hope to have a revised draft by October. It’ll be hard since next Monday I start my last year in the paralegal program (!!!) but most definitely not my last year of college, unfortunately.😉

Also, yesterday my friend and I went downtown and to the river and took some pictures that I think turned out excellent. Which one is your favorite? My favorite two are the super woman and photo three.

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photo one: on top of the parking garage

 

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photo two: we’re still on top of the parking garage–also I’m calling this one “super woman.”

 

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photo three: I love this one, even though it was super uncomfortable sitting on the tree knot.

 

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photo four: still on the parking garage. I love that the mountains are in the background of most of these pictures.

 

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photo five: by the river! I was standing on a rock in the river and was terrified I was going to fall in.

 

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photo six: she told me to take off my shoes and get in the river, so I did. It was cold. I made her carry me to a bench so I wouldn’t get sand on my feet😀

 

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photo seven: I like this one because of the shoes.

 

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photo eight: and we’re back in the tree. funny thing: it started raining when we were at the wooded area by the river. So it was raining and windy when we took the tree pictures, but I still think they came out okay.

my misadventures in cooking

so last night, I decided to make steak and fries and corn for dinner. it’s simple, right? it sounded delicious and I was like YES, I CAN DO THIS.

please note, I am not the cooking type. my mother is very much the cooking and baking type. she spends at least half of her free time cooking or baking and I would much rather bury my nose in a book. ALSO I so do not follow directions very well. so every time I cook, something happens. although I’ve (maybe?) been getting better at this whole domesticated thing, because sometimes I can pull off a dinner without something terrible happening.

last night, I pulled the bag of corn out of the freezer and poured a little bit into the pot on the stove. there’s two of us, we don’t eat a whole lot. okay, I don’t eat a whole lot. J does.

then I preceded to put cold water over the corn. I didn’t even think about that it was cold. I thought, hey, this corn has no water added to it (like a can of corn does). Doesn’t it need water to warm up? BOOM, here have some of the water I pulled from the fridge a few minutes ago and am drinking.

Guys. All the corn in the pot FROZE into one big block. And I froze, too.

That’s not so bad, right? I mean, I’ve lit the stove on fire while I was trying to bake potatoes. I’ve set off the smoke alarm (I’m not entirely sure HOW I did that, because this was prior to setting the stove on fire and that didn’t set off the smoke alarm. I KNOW.) Turning corn into a frozen block isn’t the worst thing to happen to me.

but still, it’s a simple meal and I still had something go wrong.

I thought you should know this because I find it hilarious after I panicked. everybody needs a laugh on Tuesday, right?

also, writing wise: I am less than 150 words from 25,000. which is EXCITING and also was yesterday’s goal. so in addition to hitting 25,000 today, I also want to reach 25,500 words today. (It’s J’s day off and he is very, very distracting in the whole “I need you to pay attention to me” way. But I still love him.)

make progress

time is a strange thing. sometimes it goes by quickly, sometimes minutes tick by so slowly that you swear the clock is broken and it’s really 5 o’clock, not 2:11. anyway, back in april, I said I was going to have a shitty first draft by the end of May and I was going to be happy with it. ha. ha. ha.

that was a lie. well, it wasn’t at the time, but it is now.

I’m still slowly working on Code Red. I have 21,000 words, which I’m thinking I’m about 1/3 into the draft. my other six (seven? I don’t really count them anymore. just like I don’t really count the years, or days. who cares?) manuscripts’ first drafts all came around 50,000 (my shortest being 40,000 and my longest 56,000) and in the beginning, I was aiming for 70,000 first draft. now the aim is somewhere between 60,000-70,000.

but hey, it’s PROGRESS.

my may goal was to write every day, which I did for three (non-consecutive) weeks. I skipped 7 days of writing in may, which hey, I like those numbers. for june, I changed it to 750 words a day. which I thought was a good goal until I missed every single day except for june 15, 16, 17.

so I’ve changed it back to “write every day” or “make progress.” as long as I’m working on Code Red every day, I call that day a win. and I’m going to document my progress on this here blog, just so I’m being accountable somewhere. I already am a little bit accountable in my own life (my boyfriend is amazingly supportive of this crazy journey and I love him oh so much because of it) but I don’t talk a whole lot about my word count progress (or pages; depends on the day) so I will here. maybe then I’ll see all the progress that’s happening.